Missed Opportunity – Failing to See the Other Person’s…

The following is a true story told to me by a workshop participant. It is shared with permission but modified to protect the identities of the persons involved. The person who told it to me is “Caleb” in the story.

Alvin Zemlock sat behind his desk, and Caleb faced him. The Room was tense. Alvin was the founder and CEO of Zemlock construction. Caleb represented a union and saw Alvin as an enemy, and for good reason. Not only was Alvin’s company not unionized, Alvin had publicly spoken out against the union some years ago. So Caleb would have loved to see Zemlock unionize.

Caleb had been distributing union flyers in the Zemlock Construction employee parking area with pleasure. But moments later was ushered into the Zemlock Construction head office, face-to-face with Zemlock himself. What was the CEO’s plan, Caleb wondered. Did he intend to intimidate him? Was Alvin willing to do something illegal?

Suddenly the CEO drew nearer and said, “Caleb, I’d like to unionize.”

“What?!”

“I’d like to unionize.”

Caleb was flummoxed. He could hear tension in Alvin’s voice.

“There’s a reason we don’t have a union. My employees don’t feel they need one. But I need one. I want you to start one.’”

Caleb had never had a request from an employer to start a union in his company before. He wasn’t sure how to respond.

“How do we start?” Alvin asked. “I need more skilled labour to expand, and the only way to do it is with access to unionized employees.”

Caleb looked at him, recovering. Now he knew how to proceed.

“We can definitely do that”

For the first time since he walked into the Zemlock offices, Caleb smiled. Zemlock Construction had a few hundred carpenters on staff. It would double the union in the area. But Caleb had a bigger vision for the union:

“We can get all the non-unionized construction companies in a room and explain the plan.”

Caleb was talking quickly now.

“You can explain your idea about having access to skilled labourers. It will be excellent exposure for you, and the union environment would see you as friend to the union. What do you think?”

The older man sat for a while. He looked away and then quietly said, “Good.”

The meeting was over. Business cards were exchanged and Caleb was shown the door.

But apparently the card exchange was mere etiquette: Alvin never contacted or responded to Caleb’s calls. And Zemlock never unionized. Caleb wondered why? Had this been a tactic to get rid of him? Alvin had seemed genuinely interested in joining a union. Caleb’s interests had been to see as many companies’ carpenters joining the union as possible. But what was in it for Alvin? Maybe Alvin was looking for a competitive advantage over his competitors. Caleb wondered if in his zeal to expand the union he had missed Alvin’s true interests and thus squandered an opportunity for mutual benefit.

Focus on a Few Good Skills – What the…

Originally written for and published on ACHIEVE Centre for Leadership’s website

Coach Tony Dungy has won more games than any other coach in NFL history. Before Dungy NFL games were a matter of psyching out one’s opponent. Those with the most complicated and surprising plays won.

But Dungy didn’t want his players to know a lot of plays. He wanted them to know a few plays and do them automatically. We can use the same strategy when we resolve conflict.

Dungy understood that in the heat of a game – just like in the heat of an argument – the key to success is having a few excellent options and executing them consistently. He taught his teams – initially the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, followed by the Indianapolis Colts – a handful of strategies, and drilled them again and again. The players focused on a few essential cues from the other team and responded to them instantly: where the other team lined up, where a defensive lineman’s toe was pointing. It took the Bucs four years of practice to become a winning team but the turnaround was so dramatic, the defense was named “Tampa 2”.

In conflict situations we can also learn from Dungy’s weakness: His teams buckled under pressure. In 2002 the Bucs lost in the playoffs and Dungy was fired, making him the only coach in the Buccaneers history to leave with a winning record. The Colts hired him a week later but in 2005, Indianapolis became the first team to begin a season 13-0 and not make it to the Super Bowl. Dungy could take a team out of the ashes and bring them to victory, but as the tension mounted, his teams crumbled.

The problem was faith. Under pressure, his players abandoned what he had taught them. They felt they needed to do something different, or that something special was required for this game. And his team would fall apart.

We have this problem when we’re trying to resolve conflict. We learn techniques that work. We use a few reliable strategies so that things don’t get complicated. But under pressure, we feel that something else is needed. We power up. Perhaps we yell. We get underhanded. Or we simply abandon a little bit of integrity. But when we do, we lose. And we tend to lose when things matter most.

Conversely, if we can hold on to the skills, even under stress, we can really impress the other person. That’s when our good habits are dramatically evident. They realize that this game is not about winning or losing. It’s about co-operating.

If you’re a Colts fan, you’ll know that in 2006, Dungy’s team finally won the Super Bowl. Ironically this happened just months after Dungy’s son died by suicide. In the midst of his grief, Dungy kept going. While the death affected the entire team, it also galvanized it. Players felt they owed something to Dungy. For the first time, they stuck to the plan. And they won.

In conflicts as in sports, those who succeed are steadfastly committed to using their skills even in highly charged situations. Trust your skills and use them especially when the going gets tough.

Safety Through Mindfulness

Originally written for and published on ACHIEVE Centre for Leadership’s website

I used to think mindfulness – bringing your focus to only the immediate present – was dangerous. If I think only of what’s happening in the moment, how will I plan for the future? I wondered. I considered the mindfulness technique of focusing on one’s breath to be equally unsafe: If I’m just thinking about breathing in and out, I won’t think about what I’m doing. I’ll have an accident!

But years later, I’ve discovered the opposite is true. Focusing on my breath actually clears out distracting thoughts. Focusing on the present is better than having my mind on the future because if I want to be safe, I need to be focused on the task I’m doing now. Those mindfulness folks were right.

Mindfulness is getting a lot of press these days. Experts say it will make you happier, help you deal with difficulties that come your way, worry less, make friendships, relieve stress and reduce heart disease, blood pressure, chronic pain, depression and addictions, as well as address a host of other psychological disorders.

But will training employees in mindfulness reduce accidents in your organization? We’re still learning about mindfulness, but here are my top five reasons I believe it will:

• Accidents are caused by distraction and inattention.

For example, in 2013 the University of California found that 32 percent of workers’ accidents on campus were caused by inattention or distraction, making this the largest cause of accidents. Ignoring proper procedures contributed to half as many accidents (UC Irvine, 2013).

Conversely, mindfulness writers like Thich Nhat Hahn teach that even when doing the most mundane task, we must let our task fill our awareness, using all our senses to observe every aspect of it. I used to think that this was a recipe for boredom, but I’ve actually found it makes life richer. As Thich Nhat Hahn says, to live fully in the moment is to truly live (Hahn, 1996).

• Accidents are caused by negative emotions.

We all know a worker who is having a bad day can make mistakes because anger or stress from situations at home or the worksite can make it difficult to focus. In mindfulness training, employees are trained to notice their emotions without judging them and make a choice: to pay attention to the emotion, or to focus one’s thoughts on the breath.

• Accidents are caused by mental fatigue.

Sometimes we’re not distracted – we’re simply brain-tired. It makes sense that accidents increase near the end of a shift: by the time we reach the end of the day, our minds crave rest. Learning mindfulness skills can help us minimize the dangerous effects of mental fatigue.

• Accidents occur when people don’t ask for the help they need.

How many of us have lifted something when we should have asked for help? Lifting by oneself causes back injuries that can be debilitating for the worker and expensive for the employer. Mindfulness can reduce cortisol, the stress hormone that can cause us to distrust people. We also want to lower cortisol because it suppresses oxytocin, the hormone that makes us trust, cooperate and work together. Because of how mindfulness changes the chemistry in our bodies, mindfulness increases the chances workers will work together.

• Many accidents happen in seconds.

Some of the most tragic workplace accidents take place in just moments. A driver pins a worker with a forklift. A worker lifts off a cover and fire flies out of the barrel. A massive lever smashes a worker to the ground. But frequently, a strange phenomenon occurs. What happens in an instant seems like it transpires over at least ten minutes. Why does it seem like this?

Time slows down because your mind is helping you out. When something dangerous occurs, you are hyper-focused. Your mind notices details you normally don’t, so you can react and perhaps solve the problem.

It may be that mindfulness will help us even more. Emerging studies indicate a correlation between mindfulness training and improved reaction time (Brown et al., 2015). Mindfulness training may help us respond by giving us the extra mental alertness needed to notice what is happening more quickly.

I used to think mindfulness – bringing your focus to only the immediate present – was dangerous. If I think only of what’s happening in the moment, how will I plan for the future? I wondered. I considered the mindfulness technique of focusing on one’s breath to be equally unsafe: If I’m just thinking about breathing in and out, I won’t think about what I’m doing. I’ll have an accident!

But years later, I’ve discovered the opposite is true. Focusing on my breath actually clears out distracting thoughts. Focusing on the present is better than having my mind on the future because if I want to be safe, I need to be focused on the task I’m doing now. Those mindfulness folks were right.

Mindfulness is getting a lot of press these days. Experts say it will make you happier, help you deal with difficulties that come your way, worry less, make friendships, relieve stress and reduce heart disease, blood pressure, chronic pain, depression and addictions, as well as address a host of other psychological disorders.

But will training employees in mindfulness reduce accidents in your organization? We’re still learning about mindfulness, but here are my top five reasons I believe it will:

• Accidents are caused by distraction and inattention.

For example, in 2013 the University of California found that 32 percent of workers’ accidents on campus were caused by inattention or distraction, making this the largest cause of accidents. Ignoring proper procedures contributed to half as many accidents (UC Irvine, 2013).

Conversely, mindfulness writers like Thich Nhat Hahn teach that even when doing the most mundane task, we must let our task fill our awareness, using all our senses to observe every aspect of it. I used to think that this was a recipe for boredom, but I’ve actually found it makes life richer. As Thich Nhat Hahn says, to live fully in the moment is to truly live (Hahn, 1996).

• Accidents are caused by negative emotions.

We all know a worker who is having a bad day can make mistakes because anger or stress from situations at home or the worksite can make it difficult to focus. In mindfulness training, employees are trained to notice their emotions without judging them and make a choice: to pay attention to the emotion, or to focus one’s thoughts on the breath.

• Accidents are caused by mental fatigue.

Sometimes we’re not distracted – we’re simply brain-tired. It makes sense that accidents increase near the end of a shift: by the time we reach the end of the day, our minds crave rest. Learning mindfulness skills can help us minimize the dangerous effects of mental fatigue.

• Accidents occur when people don’t ask for the help they need.

How many of us have lifted something when we should have asked for help? Lifting by oneself causes back injuries that can be debilitating for the worker and expensive for the employer. Mindfulness can reduce cortisol, the stress hormone that can cause us to distrust people. We also want to lower cortisol because it suppresses oxytocin, the hormone that makes us trust, cooperate and work together. Because of how mindfulness changes the chemistry in our bodies, mindfulness increases the chances workers will work together.

• Many accidents happen in seconds.

Some of the most tragic workplace accidents take place in just moments. A driver pins a worker with a forklift. A worker lifts off a cover and fire flies out of the barrel. A massive lever smashes a worker to the ground. But frequently, a strange phenomenon occurs. What happens in an instant seems like it transpires over at least ten minutes. Why does it seem like this?

Time slows down because your mind is helping you out. When something dangerous occurs, you are hyper-focused. Your mind notices details you normally don’t, so you can react and perhaps solve the problem.

It may be that mindfulness will help us even more. Emerging studies indicate a correlation between mindfulness training and improved reaction time (Brown et al., 2015). Mindfulness training may help us respond by giving us the extra mental alertness needed to notice what is happening more quickly.

So we still have much to learn, but I would suggest it’s not worth the wait. Go get some mindfulness training. Soon you will be noticing your emotions without judgment and focusing on the present, breathing and the task at hand. If you think it works, encourage your workforce to do it. There’s good evidence that it will reduce your accident rate.

Shake Up Your Habits – 7 Tips to Change…

Originally written for and published on ACHIEVE Centre for Leadership’s website

Habits are hard to change, but I recently discovered a simple way to do so.

I went to Nepal for five weeks. As it turned out, we were there just before the earthquake struck. While there, we ate rice and lentils, tried to speak Nepali, used different money and experienced uncomfortable sleeping conditions.

When we came back home, we found that we hadn’t come back the same, and we liked the new “us”. We were committed to making exercise a part of our daily routine, eliminating wheat, sugar, coffee and dairy from our diets, using the car less and spending more time with our kids.

Sound familiar?  Perhaps you’ve had some of the same goals?

Here’s the strange thing: We’d tried to do all of the above for years with absolutely no success. Now, on our return, it was effortless. Between us we lost and kept off 45 pounds. We still discuss how astonishingly easy these changes were once we arrived home.

Why did it work?

Most readers will point out that there’s a simple reason these changes were easy: We spent time in a social context where others do all these things. We wanted to fit in, so we adopted their behaviour and did it for long enough to experience a lasting change.

They’d be right.  However, it turns out there’s more at play here, and you don’t have to go to Asia to experience it. In his book, Iconoclast: A Neuroscientist Reveals How to Think Differently, Dr. Gregory Berns explains that the brain works hard to be lazy.  The brain has had to learn to survive on 20 watts of electricity (a desktop computer uses between 65 and 250) so it quickly categorizes all stimuli.  When you see something, the brain decides if it’s a car or a face and sends the information to specialist parts of the brain for processing.

Your brain’s penchant for slotting information has a downside: you think the same kinds of things over and over again. You eat the same foods, say the same things and follow the same routines.

Berns tells us it doesn’t have to be that way, but we need to shock the brain. He points to Dale Chihuly, whose art became iconoclastic after losing one eye forced him to see the world differently.

If you want to change your thinking and behaviour, you don’t have to lose an eye.  Instead, I suggest you go to Asia for a few weeks; it’s less disfiguring. But most of us can’t do either. Thankfully there are other things you can do.

Seven Tips

• Use different transportation

We’re far too comfortable in our cars. Even if we fly and leave our cars at home, we still rent a car. Consider the many different ways of transporting yourself: walking, bike rental, bike sharing, train and subway. Try the local bus system. Walk and see the guts of a city.  Even if you never leave your own city, find a new way to get to work.

• Spend time with new people

We are drawn to people who think like us, perhaps because it requires less work for our brains. Look for opportunities to connect with new people, whether it be on the plane, beach or in the hotel hot tub. Ask them lots of open-ended questions about their lives. Be empathetic – put yourself entirely into their shoes, imagining what it must be like to be them and notice parts of your life that are like theirs. Let them express their perceptions: the goal is to let their ideas destabilize your familiar patterns of perception.

• Eat out and local

Paul Lauterbur came up with the idea for the MRI while chomping into a burger in an eatery. Berns notes that epiphanies often take place in restaurants because of the novel stimuli. And when you eat out, eat local food. If you go overseas, you’ll find cooks prepare local specialties better than they do dishes from back home, so you might as well stretch yourself in this way too.

• Journal or blog your experiences

Writing in a journal will help you process your experiences more fully.

• Read a new kind of book

Go to Amazon, click on “Shop by Department” in the top left corner, choose “books”, “all books” then “best sellers”. Choose a book that’s very different for you. If you don’t read books, purchase a subscription to audible.com and listen to something that is new for you.

• Learn the local language

This is a biggie. Learning a new language adds more structure to the brain and new ways of communicating old thoughts forces you to think differently about them.

• No vacation? Rearrange your office

Burns tells us that even moving the furniture in our workspace can help us to see new interrelationships.

The common denominator here? All are attempts to give your brain experiences it has no categories for, so it has to work differently. If it works differently, you will subsequently think differently.

I hope you have a very different summer.

Humor at Work: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Originally written for and published on ACHIEVE Centre for Leadership’s website

What kind of jokes are healthy? What kind lead to good teamwork? Social scientist Rod Martin categorized humor into four categories and research on these four categories is being carried on throughout the world. While all of these categories can be good, too much of some can be dangerous. Below are the good, the usually good, and the slippery slope types of humor.

Usually Good: “Isn’t My Life Odd?” Humor

When using this kind of humor, pick out your foibles and tell them to others – often in an exaggerated way.

Examples:

• My spelling is so bad that autocorrect is like, “I got nothing for you, man.”
• The only good thing about being old: my supply of brain cells is down to a manageable size.
• Sorry I’m so late. I think I got caught in a temporary cosmic rift and was sucked into a parallel universe for most of the morning.
  Or maybe that was me trying to parent my 2-year old.

Joking this way, humor researchers tell us, helps us accept difficult situations in life. People who use this style regulate their emotions well, have high self-esteem, optimism, psychological well-being, and less depression and anxiety.

Sliding Down the Slippery Slope: “Aren’t I Pathetic?” Humor

While it’s healthy to laugh at life, making too much fun of yourself can be bad for your mental health. Chris Farley, who excelled at Aren’t I Pathetic humor, had a streak of self-loathing, dying at age 33 from an overdose.

Some examples of this style:

• I’m so dumb, I don’t think I could pass a blood test.
• I’d like to kill myself, but I’m afraid of commitment, so I just take a lot of naps.
• [Slowly rises from trashcan while two friends are making plans without me.] I am also free that day.

If you find you’re regularly using Aren’t I Pathetic humor, think about why. It can be a way of hiding negative feelings about yourself or making fun of yourself before a bully does.

“Aren’t You Odd or Pathetic?” Humor

This is the style political humorists use:

• “Because it would be hilarious” is probably not a good reason to elect someone president.
• What’s Obama’s new slogan now the economy is down? “Spare change you can believe in.”
• Trump’s foreign policy is that if you mess with the U.S., there will be hell toupée.

This is probably harmless when we’re joking about people we don’t know, but be concerned if making jokes about others in your life – including your boss – is a staple for you. People who use primarily Aren’t You Odd humor have higher levels of neuroticism, hostility and aggression and lower levels of agreeableness and conscientiousness than others. Perhaps more significantly, use of Aren’t You Odd humor is frequently a bully’s tactic.

The Good: “Isn’t Life Funny?” Humor

With this style, you make fun of funny things that happen that we can all relate to:
• That awkward feeling when you say goodbye to someone and then it turns out you’re going the same direction as them.
• I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work.
• Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains: a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. (Jerry Seinfeld)

Humor That Works for You

Poor humor choices in the workplace can inadvertently be negative for your team or your relationships. When you make good humor choices, you build team spirit and relationships in a way that benefits you and your workplace. And that’s no joke.

3 Ways to Avoid Conflict and Improve Relationships

Originally written for and published on ACHIEVE Centre for Leadership’s website

“I wonder what’s it like to be married to you…” I turned. The workshop participant was behind me, to the side, looking thoughtful, pensive, and curious. It wasn’t a pick-up, but a pondering.

I have taught conflict resolution skills for 20 years and it’s a question I occasionally get asked. While all my training is workplace-related, the application in the home is immediately obvious. And it’s a fair question: What is it like to be married to a conflict resolution expert? Does he use his skills at home or does he keep them at work?

So I asked my wife. She said that because I have the skills “No problem we have is too big,” and that she knows I will handle all of the kids’ disputes.

With a thumbs up from my wife, I thought I would share how I have emphasized some workplace conflict resolution skills and modified others when working through conflict with my wife and four kids. Maybe it will enrich your family like I believe it has enriched mine. I have listed them order of importance.

1. Maintain the Relationship

While conflict resolution skills have become a part of my relationships, all the skills in the world don’t make up for spending time with each person, doing something that benefits that person. Doing this increases trust; not doing it leads to distrust. I try to do this with each person every day, and fail – but I still think it’s the right goal for me.

WHAT I’M THINKING

I have to be mindful of what I think of everyone. Sure I love them, but there are times when every person in my family does something I believe to be idiotic. When I’m thinking someone is at all less than me, it comes out in my words, tone, gestures and facial expressions. John Gottman, who is able to predict the success or failure of marriage 10 years into the future with an incredible 94% accuracy, says contemptuous behaviours are the number one predictor of spousal failure – even when the contemptuous behaviour is so subtle a novice wouldn’t know it was there.

2. They Talk First

My number two skill is that if I have a family member who disagrees with me:

1. They talk first while I listen without interruption
2. I paraphrase and ask if there’s anything else

No matter what happens from that point on, the people in my family know they have a voice with me.

I just run into problems when I don’t want them to have a voice – because I believe I know more, because I think they are wasting my time, because I start thinking This kid has had way too much leeway already, because I’m rushed. But time listening is rarely wasted while time interrupting so frequently is.

MULTIPLE CHOICE VS. OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

I teach open-ended questions for work, but the practice of asking them is culturally unusual and requires work for the person answering. Kids get confused. In situations where I think my family member won’t understand my usual open-ended questions, I use multiple choice questions.

For example, it’s a short bus ride for our junior and senior highers to get home from school, so that’s what we expect them to do. For my wife, there are many exceptions to this rule – some of which I agree with, some I don’t, and some I’ll comply with just to please her. So when she asks me to drop what I’m doing to pick up the kids, I want to understand the situation first. Instead of saying “Say a bit about why you think we should pick up the kids today,” or the trusty “What’s important about picking up the kids right now?”, both of which can get her defensive (after all, we have had arguments about this in the past), I can list off the best, most recent reasons she has had me pick up the kids from school and ask her to respond: “Are you asking me to pick up the kids because they’re tired, carrying things or something else?”

3. Be a Temporary, Neutral Advocate

I used to follow a regular mediation process at home and still do sometimes, but it’s way too involved for home life. One thing I have started to do to fast-track things but still stay in the mediator role is to neutrally explain Person A’s underlying needs, right in front of Person A and Person B.

For example, this morning we were aghast to find that our new puppy had pooed and peed on our carpet – again! No one was more upset than my wife, who had told my 17-year-old daughter last night at 11:00 that she was going to bed and painstakingly informed her that if she insisted on playing with the dog, she must put it in the kennel before she went to bed. She forgot, and our wall-to-wall carpet was soiled, so my wife confronted her. My daughter, who has suffered from anxiety, was getting overwhelmed and shutting down. I pointed this out to my wife, but my wife had a problem: she was upset and wasn’t calming down. She couldn’t hold back from making comments, and it was kick-starting my daughter’s sympathetic nervous system. As a mediator, I’m trained to either call a break to the conversation or slow it down, but we were all rushing through our breakfast to make it to school and work on time.

I couldn’t stop my wife but I needed to help my daughter collect herself without coming across like I was protecting her from mom. So as I drank my spinach smoothie I explained: “Your mom needs a chance to work through her feelings at this point. She’s disappointed because now she has to figure out if she can trust you in the future. If she can’t, that means more work for her.”

This seemed to allow everyone to focus and get on with the task of getting into the van.

TAKING MY HOME WORK TO WORK

“I wonder what’s it like to be married to you…” I turned. The workshop participant was behind me, to the side, looking thoughtful, pensive, and curious. It wasn’t a pick-up, but a pondering.

I have taught conflict resolution skills for 20 years and it’s a question I occasionally get asked. While all my training is workplace-related, the application in the home is immediately obvious. And it’s a fair question: What is it like to be married to a conflict resolution expert? Does he use his skills at home or does he keep them at work?

So I asked my wife. She said that because I have the skills “No problem we have is too big,” and that she knows I will handle all of the kids’ disputes.

With a thumbs up from my wife, I thought I would share how I have emphasized some workplace conflict resolution skills and modified others when working through conflict with my wife and four kids. Maybe it will enrich your family like I believe it has enriched mine. I have listed them order of importance.

1. Maintain the Relationship

While conflict resolution skills have become a part of my relationships, all the skills in the world don’t make up for spending time with each person, doing something that benefits that person. Doing this increases trust; not doing it leads to distrust. I try to do this with each person every day, and fail – but I still think it’s the right goal for me.

WHAT I’M THINKING

I have to be mindful of what I think of everyone. Sure I love them, but there are times when every person in my family does something I believe to be idiotic. When I’m thinking someone is at all less than me, it comes out in my words, tone, gestures and facial expressions. John Gottman, who is able to predict the success or failure of marriage 10 years into the future with an incredible 94% accuracy, says contemptuous behaviours are the number one predictor of spousal failure – even when the contemptuous behaviour is so subtle a novice wouldn’t know it was there.

2. They Talk First

My number two skill is that if I have a family member who disagrees with me:

1. They talk first while I listen without interruption
2. I paraphrase and ask if there’s anything else

No matter what happens from that point on, the people in my family know they have a voice with me.

I just run into problems when I don’t want them to have a voice – because I believe I know more, because I think they are wasting my time, because I start thinking This kid has had way too much leeway already, because I’m rushed. But time listening is rarely wasted while time interrupting so frequently is.

MULTIPLE CHOICE VS. OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

I teach open-ended questions for work, but the practice of asking them is culturally unusual and requires work for the person answering. Kids get confused. In situations where I think my family member won’t understand my usual open-ended questions, I use multiple choice questions.

For example, it’s a short bus ride for our junior and senior highers to get home from school, so that’s what we expect them to do. For my wife, there are many exceptions to this rule – some of which I agree with, some I don’t, and some I’ll comply with just to please her. So when she asks me to drop what I’m doing to pick up the kids, I want to understand the situation first. Instead of saying “Say a bit about why you think we should pick up the kids today,” or the trusty “What’s important about picking up the kids right now?”, both of which can get her defensive (after all, we have had arguments about this in the past), I can list off the best, most recent reasons she has had me pick up the kids from school and ask her to respond: “Are you asking me to pick up the kids because they’re tired, carrying things or something else?”

3. Be a Temporary, Neutral Advocate

I used to follow a regular mediation process at home and still do sometimes, but it’s way too involved for home life. One thing I have started to do to fast-track things but still stay in the mediator role is to neutrally explain Person A’s underlying needs, right in front of Person A and Person B.

For example, this morning we were aghast to find that our new puppy had pooed and peed on our carpet – again! No one was more upset than my wife, who had told my 17-year-old daughter last night at 11:00 that she was going to bed and painstakingly informed her that if she insisted on playing with the dog, she must put it in the kennel before she went to bed. She forgot, and our wall-to-wall carpet was soiled, so my wife confronted her. My daughter, who has suffered from anxiety, was getting overwhelmed and shutting down. I pointed this out to my wife, but my wife had a problem: she was upset and wasn’t calming down. She couldn’t hold back from making comments, and it was kick-starting my daughter’s sympathetic nervous system. As a mediator, I’m trained to either call a break to the conversation or slow it down, but we were all rushing through our breakfast to make it to school and work on time.

I couldn’t stop my wife but I needed to help my daughter collect herself without coming across like I was protecting her from mom. So as I drank my spinach smoothie I explained: “Your mom needs a chance to work through her feelings at this point. She’s disappointed because now she has to figure out if she can trust you in the future. If she can’t, that means more work for her.”

This seemed to allow everyone to focus and get on with the task of getting into the van.

TAKING MY HOME WORK TO WORK

Honing my conflict resolution skills at home has had an interesting pay-off. Yesterday I was with a client who I sensed might struggle to answer some of my open-ended questions, so I switched to multiple choice and the conversation flowed easily. I have to thank my wife and four kids tonight. Having them has done more than giving me a chance to practice my skills – it’s given me new ones.

Confronting Constructively: 4 Tips

Originally written for and published on ACHIEVE Centre for Leadership’s website

In the social sciences, researchers determine the true impact of variable things by changing one variable and keeping everything else the same, then observing the result.

I experienced something similar recently when I was confronted by two very real people on the same day. I’ll call them Albert and Ziggy. It was like a science experiment in that the situations surrounding the confrontations were almost identical. I had met both confronters on the same day two months before – we had been working on the same team and project together, and I am their immediate supervisor. They both do the same job for me, and they both, separately, confronted me about emails I had sent the day before.

However, at the end of my conversation with Albert, I trusted and felt closer to him than ever before, while after Ziggy and I talked, I felt a fairly irresistible urge to avoid him.

WHAT MADE THE IMPACT OF THESE TWO CONFRONTATIONS SO DIFFERENT?

Albert did four things that Ziggy didn’t.  They are simple things anyone can do. So, below are four tips for your next confrontation, courtesy of Albert and Ziggy:

1. Make sure the conversation is private

It sounds basic, but Ziggy reminded me that it’s simply not always done. When Ziggy began the conversation with me in the back of the van, he probably did it because it was easy for him to slide into the topic while we were sitting together. But while he was talking, I was trying to guess how others in the van would interpret my possible responses. In reality I was navigating multiple relationships. Granted, it was a bit awkward when Albert said, “Can I talk to you over here?” (as he motioned with his finger), but once we found a space and sat down, I was concentrating on just one person.

2. Don’t tell the person what you observe about their personality, traits or feelings.

Ziggy said that the number of emails I sent and the time of day I sent them showed I was overanxious. I was anxious, but in my opinion it was for a darn good reason. When he told me how I was feeling and suggested there was something wrong with it, it felt like an attack. While I managed my defensiveness, I tried to figure out if he was concerned about me or irritated with me. Again, this made things far more complicated than necessary.

Note for those of us who like to talk about feelings: I would have felt cared for if Ziggy had asked about my feelings and what having those feelings was like for me before telling me his thoughts about my feelings. In fact, I would have enjoyed the deep discussion.

3. Explain the negative impact of the person’s behaviour on yourself.

Albert pointed out I had sent two emails to the group in two days:  One contained an incorrect date; another an incorrect time.  He observed that this resulted in a long and hard-to-follow email chain as the group corrected the inaccuracies while chiming in on other topics.

4. Be ready with a clear, doable example of what you would like the person to do differently.

Albert wanted me to take the time to check all the details before I sent anything out.  No problem. Done.  I left the conversation with a sense of clarity, confidence and desire to work with Albert more.

Constructive confrontation relies on small things that make a big difference in the outcome: Speak privately, explain impact rather than your assessment of the person, and discuss what could be done differently.

3 Reasons To Confront Your Co-Worker

Originally written for and published on ACHIEVE Centre for Leadership’s website

If your workplace is like most, people are too avoidant when it comes to conflict – even those who are more direct in their personal lives. That’s what Ralph Kilman, co-author of the world-renowned Thomas-Kilman Conflict Styles Inventory, found in a recent cross-organizational study. Too much avoidance means issues are swept under the carpet, contrary information is not shared, relational tension is not addressed and organizational performance suffers.

I’ll admit – there are times when I haven’t brought up concerns that were bothering me. Sometimes I’ve got good reasons: The issue is more than my stressed-out co-worker can deal with, or there are more pressing issues than the one that’s on my mind. It can be more mature to simply let it go.

But there are a number of unfortunate reasons we all avoid letting a co-worker know about a concern. One of them is due to something psychologists call the horns effect. Joshua Kennon writes that the horns effect is “a cognitive bias that causes you to allow one trait to overshadow other traits, behaviors, actions, or beliefs… individuals believe traits are inter-connected…”

As a result, if we believe a co-worker has been uncaring or unprofessional in one area of work, we think they would be uncaring or unprofessional when we approach them. We think our relationship will suffer, they might even retaliate, or sometimes we’re simply afraid of having an uncomfortable conversation. There is some truth to this – if we are uncaring or unprofessional when we confront, the relationship will suffer.

Ironically, another common but poor reason not to confront is when you realize that not confronting might be in your best interest if the co-worker doesn’t improve: their ineptitude makes you look better, putting you in a superior place for perks and promotions. After all, you reason, if they really wanted feedback, they wouldn’t be such jerks!

If you’re trying to decide if you should bring up an issue, here are three things to consider:

1. QUALITY

When done right, many confrontations have the potential to improve the quality of your mutual work. Some issues have a direct impact, while others have an indirect one:

When you don’t bring up issues that impact quality, you end up blaming others for poor quality output from your department, not recognizing that part of the problem is that you didn’t confront them.

Conversely, when you confront, and emphasize how their behaviour affects quality or productivity, it emphasizes your mutual commitment to your work and gives energy to what you do.

2. RELATIONSHIP

When done carefully and respectfully, constructive confrontations also emphasize the commitment you have to the working relationship. However, bear in mind that confronting sloppily (not preparing or using good conflict resolution skills) will suggest you are not committed to the working relationship.

3. CREATIVITY

In The Upside Of Your Dark Side: Why Being Your Whole Self―Not Just Your “Good” Self―Drives Success And Fulfillment, Drs. Todd B. Kashdan and Robert Biswas-Diener discuss their finding that when groups determine not to confront on work issues, they produce far fewer creative solutions to problems. Conversely, organizations such as Intel were at their best when constructive confrontation was an established norm in their workplace culture.

Confronting a co-worker is usually not the easy choice. But if you do it well, it can be the most effective choice for your workplace, relationships and productivity.

5 Strategies for Improving Your Relationship with Your Boss

Originally written for and published on ACHIEVE Centre for Leadership’s website

When you picture the person at work who will most impact your future, who do you see? For most of us, our relationship with our manager is the most important relationship we have at work. I believe we need to work to get it that relationship right. Here are five tips that will improve your relationship with the person that supervises you.

Think about your boss as your client

Your boss has a problem that needs to be solved, and is hiring you to solve it. Learn what your boss’ problem is that requires hiring, and go about solving it.

Find out what your boss means

“My door is always open,” could mean they are available 70% of the time, or 110% of the time. “Your presentation went well,” could mean that they think your presentation was stunning, it just did the job it was supposed to do, or it could be that there were no problems with your presentation significant enough to merit the time it would take to address them respectfully. They are merely acknowledging that you did a presentation and don’t want you to feel bad about it at this point. Listen to your boss’s words, but watch their behaviour over time to determine what the words mean. If you’re uncertain what your boss means by something, it’s okay to check with them.

When you approach your boss, share your intent

Remember your manager has a lot of demands of their time. Tell your manager why you’re taking it up.

When you update your boss, adapt to their information processing needs

Deliver information in a way that works for them. Some managers:

• Like to discuss things first; others want things in writing before discussing them.
• Want detailed facts and figures; others just want an overview.
• Want daily updates; others prefer to hear from you when there are concerns. 

Handle delegation deftly

Delegation conversations can be tricky. You get more work, your boss gets less, and a lot of information can be exchanged – all at the same time. Here’s how to get it right:

1. Clarify: Ask questions to clear up anything you don’t understand.
2. Prioritize: Find out how important this task is in relation to your other ones. If you think you can’t fit in the work, you may say things like:“Where do you see this task fitting in with my other priorities?”, and, “So, is it okay if some of the items lower on the priority list get postponed?”“In terms of the big picture for me, what do you think I should put aside so this gets done on schedule?”
3. Record: Record their instructions as they speak, and read them back to check for accuracy. When you do this, you not only demonstrate that you’ve got it and it’s written down, but your boss hears back what they said and may notice important information they left out.
4. Schedule: Dates and times are good, but for bigger projects you should also get a sense of how firm the deadline is. Note that in order to meet deadlines, you may have to request resources from your boss or others by certain dates. Clarify this upfront and let them know when you would need things by.

Overall, understanding your boss’s needs and their role will go a long way towards your boss meeting your needs, thereby making your relationship work. Your manager may significantly impact your future, so it makes sense to devote time and energy to building your relationship with them.

7 Steps for Controlling your Emotions

Originally written for and published on ACHIEVE Centre for Leadership’s website

When you find yourself in a tough situation, the ability to master your emotions can mean the difference between success and failure. Here are seven steps for managing your emotions:

1. KNOW IT’S YOUR JOB 

It’s healthy to recognize that stress emotions are normal, and even inevitable for most of us. However, it is important to know that it’s your job, and yours alone, to direct your emotions.

2. PRACTICE MENTAL PUSH-UPS 

Most of us are so unfamiliar with the practice of directing our thoughts that we believe we have no choice but to feel the emotions we’re experiencing. Emotionally strong people do mental workouts where they break from their stream of consciousness so they can make choices about their thoughts, and therefore their emotions. Meditation is one such workout where you choose an object of meditation, and choose to only think about that object. If other thoughts flow in, you re-direct your thoughts to the object of meditation. This workout strengthens your ability to choose your thoughts. 

When you choose your thoughts, you notice that all emotions – happiness, joy, contentment, or focus, fear, anxiety, stress, and anger, begin with your thoughts. 

3. NOTICE YOUR FIST 

When bad things happen to you, you will sometimes get immediate stressful thoughts. We’ll call these thoughts FISTS, which stands for First Stress Thoughts . The more negative your FISTs, the greater your resulting fight or flight response, which disables your problem-solving ability. FISTs happen so quickly that you get the impression they are the only way to think about certain events. 

4.REPLACE YOUR FIST WITH A CAR 

Reality is more complex than any of us can comprehend, and there’s no way to determine the “correct” interpretation of events. However, you can know whether your FIST sends you into a fight or flight response or helps you focus on finding useful solutions. If your FIST clouds your thinking, replace it with a CAR: Calming Alternative Reaction. One popular CAR when dealing with angry people is to ask yourself, “What is this angry person afraid of?” Often the person has a fear underlying their anger. This CAR takes the focus off of you, driving you towards helpful solutions.

5.RE-WIRE YOUR BRAIN

Write your CAR on a sticky note and set a reminder on your device so that you read it frequently. Over time, this replaces the FIST with a CAR in your brain.

6.DEVELOP A CONTINGENCY PLAN

When the Navy Seals prepare for a maneuver, they take the following steps:

i)Determine the problem
ii) Determine a solution
iii) Imagine all possible problems with that solution
iv) Determine solutions to those problems
v) Repeat #3 and #4 indefinitely.

For you, the bigger the problem, the more it makes sense to spend time with contingency planning.

7.PREPARE YOUR TEAM

It’s not sufficient that you are calm and have a plan. Your team needs to know what the plan is. If they don’t know your plan, they may interpret your calm and methodical behaviour as your misapprehension of the danger. As a result, they may take matters into their own hands. You must communicate your plan, or plans, to your team so they can work with you. 

If you take responsibility for your emotions and practice meditation, focus on your CARs, and develop contingency plans (possibly with your team), you will find you are able to remain unflappable in situations that would unnerve others. This will make you one of the most valuable employees on the team.